{"id":519,"date":"2026-06-29T10:38:01","date_gmt":"2026-06-29T10:38:01","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/americanlivingreport.com\/?p=519"},"modified":"2026-06-29T10:38:01","modified_gmt":"2026-06-29T10:38:01","slug":"should-you-keep-practicing-a-religion-even-if-you-dont-believe","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/americanlivingreport.com\/?p=519","title":{"rendered":"Should you keep practicing a religion even if you don\u2019t believe?"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Hi readers! I\u2019m Shayla Love, a science journalist and longtime fan of Your Mileage May Vary. I\u2019m honored to be subbing for Sigal while she\u2019s out on parental leave. I\u2019ll be diving into your questions as a way to help understand human nature and our choices through multiple lenses: philosophical, psychological, and beyond. Please send me any emotional, body\/brain, sociological, perceptual, or other kind of life quandaries you might have. <\/em><\/p>\n

Read more The US is better off than it was in 1976. So why does it feel worse?<\/a><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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My mother is religious, and I can tell that it brings her peace of mind to think I share some of her religious views. For this reason, I currently attend church with her on Sundays. However, I hesitate to tell her directly that I do not necessarily share her beliefs, as this would likely upset her and would not substantially improve my own quality of life. <\/strong><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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At the same time, attending church while knowing I do not fully believe feels somewhat disingenuous. I am unsure whether continuing this practice is the more ethical choice or whether honesty, despite its potential emotional cost, would be the better path. On the other hand, would it not be selfish to prioritize my own sense of integrity over my mother\u2019s peace of mind, especially when the \u201ccost\u201d to me is relatively small: attending church once a week in order to preserve this tacit understanding? <\/strong><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Dear Pew-Warmer,<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Your question raises two interesting issues: whether to tell your mom that you don\u2019t share her religious beliefs and whether to still attend church with her, even if you don\u2019t share the faith. They might seem to be part of the same quandary, but teasing them apart a little more, we\u2019ll see that your church attendance doesn\u2019t necessarily require as much dishonesty as you may think.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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First, no matter what you decide, it could be helpful for you to know that you\u2019re far from alone in managing different beliefs within a family. The amount of mixed-faith families has been steadily increasing, often because \u2014 like you \u2014 children grow up to have different beliefs from their parents. And this includes people who decide to no longer follow any prescribed religion at all. A Pew Research Center survey done in 2007, for example, found that 44 percent of Americans had changed or left the religion they were raised in. Relationships between people of different religious leanings are common now, too. A different Pew survey from 2015 found that 39 percent of couples married after 2010 identified as mixed-faith (again, including people who identify as non-religious).<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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How do all of these people deal with being married or related and believing such different big things? It\u2019s not easy. In a more recent Pew survey from 2023, more than a third of parents said it was extremely or very important that their children have the same religious views as them, which is in line with your sense that your mom would like to share her faith with you. And this is where much of your tension seems to lie. But, perhaps, I can bring you some solace by sharing that the overall data on all of this is more nuanced. I reviewed some qualitative studies \u2014 which include interviews \u2014 on religion in families to hear from people on both sides of precisely what you\u2019re grappling with.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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In general, parents do seem to wish for their kids to have the same faith as them. As a highly religious Christian father said in one study: \u201cHow to pass our belief to our next generation is a burden to me. \u2026 We want them and their next generations to have God\u2019s blessings.\u201d And that makes sense, especially for a parent who belongs to a faith tradition that comes with everlasting consequences for people depending on their beliefs and behaviors.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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But, of course, religion is more than a narrow set of rules and consequences. Each contains an elaborate offering of traditions, beliefs, and values. Many very religious parents responding to the same survey said they understood it was up to their children to choose whether to continue in the tradition or not and<\/em> that what truly important to them was knowing that their children shared the same values. Religion served as a proxy for that. That same 2023 Pew survey referred to earlier found that the majority of religious parents thought it was more of a priority to pass on ethics and values, as well as traits like ambition and being hardworking, than religious belief alone.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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There can even be upsides for relationships when some core beliefs differ, as one 2022 study suggested. Interfaith families \u2014 by having to accommodate multiple beliefs \u2014 have the opportunity to actually become stronger. The authors concluded that such \u201cfamilies are not more turbulent or problematic than other family relationships\u201d but actually had many additional strengths, like improved communication skills.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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I won\u2019t try to predict your mom\u2019s response based on others\u2019 replies in a study. Nevertheless, I think these findings suggest, at the very least, that it\u2019s not automatic that parents cannot handle it when their children don\u2019t follow their own faith. From the experience of these families, I suggest, if you decide to be more honest with your mom about this, you should emphasize the moral qualities you have in common \u2014 and that you plan to maintain. It could be helpful to stress that your decision is a genuine one; taking any other position wouldn\u2019t be true to what you really feel.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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No matter the outcome of this conversation, though, your quandary about whether you should go to church at all won\u2019t be solved. You say that it might feel disingenuous or pose a problem for your integrity to attend church services if you don\u2019t believe. That assumes that your presence at the church is endorsing a belief in God, or in the theology of that religion, or that the latter are required for the former.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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I wasn\u2019t raised with religion, and, instead, grew up around several atheists who worked as scientists. A few had a pretty disparaging view of the belief in God, which they saw as empirically unsound. Yet, as I got older, I began to notice some streaks of religiosity in their positions, like a dedication to the idea that science is the only<\/em> tool with which to understand the world, a view that\u2019s sometimes called \u201cscientism.\u201d Science is an excellent way to figure out how the world works, but there are other aspects of life \u2014 like art, music, spirituality \u2014 where it can fall short. I bring this up to say that religious thinking can rear its head even in the non-religious. And within a religious framework, you may discover non-religious elements too. A sociologist from the late 19th and early 20th century, Emile Durkheim, would push back on the idea that going to church means you believe in God, which helps me understand what I saw in my family.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Durkheim wanted to understand how religion functioned in society. He dismissed the idea that religion, at its core, was about supernatural events and God (or gods). In his 1912 book The Elementary Forms of Religious Lif<\/em>e<\/em>, he examined Australian Indigenous religions to come up with theories about what all religions had in common. He argued that religion emerges when a group of people get together and agree upon what is sacred<\/em> and what is profane<\/em>, and then they act in ways that support those categories.<\/p>\n

Read more Four easy ways to live longer<\/a><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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I\u2019ll add that Durkheim\u2019s views on religion have been questioned over the years. For starters, he vastly oversimplified the Indigenous religions he focused on. Yet, I think one of his central ideas \u2014 that religion is primarily an expression of agreement within social groups \u2014 is useful in making the act of your going to church less about your individual endorsement and more about participating in a group with shared values.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Durkheim didn\u2019t think that the concepts of \u201csacred\u201d and \u201cprofane\u201d applied only to those within organized religions; it was a more general principle in how societies were organized. Secular groups like sports fans and political parties also gathered together to perform rituals about their shared definitions of what is sacred. Following Durkheim, you could see your choice as less a theological one and more a social one. There could be plenty of values at your mom\u2019s church that mean something to you, like community, taking care of others, and acting morally.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Durkheim\u2019s theory does require you to be a participant, however, in upholding these values. If that doesn\u2019t apply to you, there is still a way to engage with those with differing beliefs with curiosity, like the psychologist William James.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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His book, The Varieties of Religious Experience<\/em>, was based on a series of lectures he did at the University of Edinburgh. He was assigned to do 20 talks, and he thought he would dedicate the first 10 to describing \u201cman\u2019s religious appetites\u201d and the rest on various philosophical interpretations. Instead, he became so engrossed with recounting people\u2019s religious experiences that the subject took up all of his lectures.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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James was not a very religious man himself, and so, his thirst for learning about religion is remarkable. In the introduction to The Selected Letters of William James<\/em>, the novelist and literary critic Elizabeth Hardwick wrote how James\u2019s tolerance for \u201cnuts and cranks, his mediums and table-tappers, his faith healers and receivers of communications from the dead\u201d sometimes confused his peers. How could a man of science be so interested in visions and conversions?<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Like Durkheim, James wasn\u2019t focused on whether religion was true. He had very little interest in theology itself; he fixated on the psychological \u2014 the feelings that came with being religious.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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James thought that these feelings \u2014 which we all share \u2014 were the deeper source of religion. All organized religions came later; they were emotions transformed and organized. He recognized that there were true emotions at the heart of religious conventions, and that people turned to religion to solve human concerns: melancholy, uncertainty about the future, morality, the need for community, expressions of joy. Yet, he was an outsider. He didn\u2019t require himself to be a convert in order to be curious.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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James and Durkheim have different approaches, but they both offer clues as to how to turn toward shared social values and how to be curious about others\u2019 emotional lives while not having to commit (or pretend to commit) yourself to beliefs that you don\u2019t have.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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You say that the cost of going to church once a week would be relatively small for you, and, so, I\u2019ll assume that your concerns don\u2019t include participating in a religion that is openly hostile to you or your identity. It would be difficult to participate in shared sacred-making with a group of people that places you in the \u201cprofane\u201d category. And being curious about others is a highly generous act that, if not reciprocated, feels dismissive. I hope that by opening yourself up to your mom\u2019s emotional life that underpins her faith, she can do the same in return, even if your own interior landscape isn\u2019t transmuting into religious belief. And it may well be that a genuine connection is what she wants \u2014 not a false one.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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A final thought related to Durkheim: He came up with a lovely concept called \u201ccollective effervescence\u201d: when many people have the same big feelings together, and the emotions crash together into one big collective firework of expression. To see an easy example of this, watch videos of what happens at events like World Cup matches as teams and fans celebrate big wins. This experience comes about by shared feelings of any kind. If it still feels discomfiting to go to church with your mother, perhaps you can find another way to share ecstatic emotions together and come up with a new definition of the sacred.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Bonus: What I\u2019m reading<\/strong><\/h2>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n
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This story was originally published in <\/em>The Highlight<\/em>, Vox\u2019s member-exclusive magazine. To get early access to member-exclusive stories every month, <\/em>join the Vox Membership program today<\/em>.<\/em><\/p>\n

Read more Democrats say they need manlier candidates. Doesn\u2019t Mamdani qualify?<\/a><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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