{"id":451,"date":"2026-06-21T13:09:17","date_gmt":"2026-06-21T13:09:17","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/americanlivingreport.com\/?p=451"},"modified":"2026-06-21T13:09:17","modified_gmt":"2026-06-21T13:09:17","slug":"you-dont-need-better-boundaries-you-need-a-better-framework","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/americanlivingreport.com\/?p=451","title":{"rendered":"You don\u2019t need better boundaries. You need a better framework."},"content":{"rendered":"
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Editor\u2019s note, June 21, 8 am ET: <\/strong>We\u2019re bringing you some of our best-loved Your Mileage May Vary columns while Sigal Samuel is on parental leave. The one below was originally published in November 2025.<\/em><\/p>\n

Read more Why we don\u2019t actually want a world without mosquitoes<\/a><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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This unconventional advice column offers you a unique framework for thinking through moral dilemmas. It\u2019s based on value pluralism: the idea that each of us has multiple values that are equally valid but that often conflict with each other. Stay tuned for more original Your Mileage May Vary columns coming later this month. In the meantime, submit your own question here.<\/em><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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I\u2019m the only child of divorced parents. Both of my parents require different levels of help. One is incredibly poor and trying to take care of my grandparents. The other does not have computer literacy and English isn\u2019t their main language. I help with my attention, money, and time whenever I can, because at the end of the day, we\u2019re all we got. <\/strong><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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This desire to help has bled into other portions of my life. One of my best friends went through a personal crisis and had to move out the same day, and I packed everything. During the very beginning of Covid, I drove to the ER in a rental car to help a different friend. There\u2019s a migrant mother on my corner who I pass every day, who knows that I will give whatever I can. She\u2019s called me during work, and every time I think she\u2019s about to get deported, but she\u2019s just calling me to ask for groceries. <\/strong><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Of course, this is all at a cost to myself. I\u2019ve worked very hard over the last few years with a therapist to learn to say no and set boundaries \u2014 and I graduated from therapy!<\/strong><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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But the problem is that I don\u2019t <\/strong>want <\/em><\/strong>to say no, and when I do, it\u2019s because I know if I say yes, I will fall down a slippery slope of absorbing more responsibility that isn\u2019t mine to hold. That feels like an insufficient reason to not help others \u2014 something I believe is important to do. Not for any particular moral\/religious reason or because I worry that I\u2019m a bad person. Frankly, I don\u2019t give a damn about that. But I do care about the well-being of those in my orbit immensely. <\/strong><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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My fear is that I know that I will give, give, give until I\u2019m nothing. Any act of self-preservation feels like a slight at my own ideals, but resentment bubbles away anyhow because I\u2019m so overextended. <\/strong><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Dear Beyond Boundaries,<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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You\u2019ve worked hard in therapy (yay!) and have learned to say that magic word (\u201cno\u201d). Yet you\u2019re not convinced in your bones that you should want to set boundaries. And I actually think you\u2019re picking up on something real there.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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To be clear, I think self-preservation is every bit as important as self-sacrifice \u2014 especially for people like me and (by the sounds of it) you, who grew up as \u201cparentified\u201d children focused on taking care of others\u2019 needs.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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But I think the popular language of \u201cboundaries\u201d isn\u2019t quite passing the sniff test for you \u2014 and for good reason. We\u2019re taught that \u201ca boundary is a limit or edge that defines you as separate from others\u201d \u2014 it\u2019s \u201cwhere I end and where you begin,\u201d to quote a couple of popular therapists. Yet if you believe, as I do, that we\u2019re all actually profoundly interconnected and interdependent, that we\u2019re constantly influencing and shaping reality for one another, then that idea of boundaries may feel like it muddies more than it clarifies. Is it really possible to draw a sharp line between ourselves and other people?<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Pop psychology further assures us that although boundaries might feel selfish, they\u2019re really the opposite: The more you protect your own well-being today, the more you\u2019ll be able to help others tomorrow! But this is weirdly instrumentalizing: It treats you as a means to an end, not an end in yourself. It makes it sound like your actions are only justifiable if their ultimate aim is to serve others\u2019 needs \u2014 exactly the sort of \u201cself-sacrifice is all that matters\u201d mentality that boundaries are meant to get you away from.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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To make matters worse, some people bastardize the concept of boundaries by brandishing boundary language as a cover for avoidance. We\u2019ve all got that friend (or Instagram influencer) who says, \u201cNope, I\u2019m drawing a boundary!\u201d anytime they\u2019re being asked to do something that would be even a little hard or uncomfortable.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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You write that any act of self-preservation feels like a slight at your own ideals. The answer is not to just give up on self-preservation \u2014 that approach can literally kill you. Instead, you need an ideal that both honors the importance of self-preservation and offers you a moral vision you can actually believe in.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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So allow me to present Indra\u2019s net, a classic Buddhist metaphor that originated in ancient India.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Picture an infinite net stretching out across the universe (a bit like a spiderweb). At each node where the threads intersect, there\u2019s a jewel (a bit like a dewdrop that sits on the spiderweb). And each jewel is so shiny and reflective that it contains the image of every other jewel in the entire net. Which means each jewel also contains the reflections of the reflections, and the reflections of those reflections, on and on forever.<\/p>\n

Read more 10 reasons why the World Cup is the greatest sporting event on Earth<\/a><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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This is reality, the Buddhists say. No jewel exists as a separate, boundaried entity: Change one jewel, and every jewel in the net transforms too, because they\u2019re all reflecting each other. Change one person, and every person changes, too.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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The idea that everything is constantly remaking everything else is what Buddhist philosophers call \u201cdependent co-arising\u201d or \u201cinterdependent origination\u201d or sometimes \u201cinterbeing,\u201d but honestly, you don\u2019t need any fancy terminology to understand it. If you\u2019ve ever walked outside early in the morning and seen a spiderweb covered with dew drops, with each dew drop reflecting everything else around it, you get the basic idea.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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I think picturing yourself as part of this web might really help you. If you see yourself as one of the jewels in the net, you immediately realize a couple of things. First, there is no sharp distinction marking off \u201cwhere I end and where you begin.\u201d And you don\u2019t take care of yourself today so that you can better take care of me tomorrow. You take care of yourself because you are one of the jewels in the net<\/em> \u2014 you are inherently precious! And if you mess up your own well-being, you are smudging up one of the jewels, or worse, creating a rip in the net!<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Yes, smudging up your jewel will change the reflections in all the other jewels, so it\u2019s a problem on the level of how you affect others. But it\u2019s also just a problem on the local level: You have failed to treat one of the jewels as precious. You\u2019ve caused a rip. That is not morally praiseworthy.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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I\u2019ve written before about contemporary philosopher Susan Wolf\u2019s concept of the \u201c\u201d \u2014 someone who tries to make all their actions as morally good as possible. Wolf argues that this is actually a bad ideal, because if you\u2019re doing constant self-sacrifice, you end up living a life bereft of the personal projects, relationships, and experiences that make up a life well lived.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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\u201cIf the moral saint is devoting all his time to feeding the hungry or healing the sick or raising money for Oxfam, then necessarily he is not reading Victorian novels, playing the oboe, or improving his backhand,\u201d she writes. \u201cA life in which none of these possible aspects of character are developed may seem to be a life strangely barren.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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It\u2019s clear that Wolf finds this sort of life distasteful. But your question prompted me to ask myself: What is it, exactly, that makes it so distasteful? Why does it actually give Wolf \u2014 and me \u2014 the ick?<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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I would argue it\u2019s because someone who is hyper-focused on giving to others is refusing some of the great gifts of life. Life is constantly offering us gifts. The taste of an unusually good meal. The pleasure of feeling your body move on the dance floor. The intimacy you feel in a late-night conversation with a friend. The specific, delicious, bright shade of green you see on the underside of leaves when the sun shines through them at four o\u2019clock.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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When someone offers you a gift \u2014 as life is offering you just by giving you a healthy body and mind and a beautiful planet \u2014 the gracious thing to do is accept it and enjoy it.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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And when I picture the jewels in Indra\u2019s net, I imagine that it\u2019s basking in the light of all these gifts, that makes the jewels really gleam. If you don\u2019t let yourself experience and savor all these things and feel well and happy and fulfilled, I suspect you are dulling yourself. That does not improve the net. It detracts from it.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Of course, caring for the well-being of others can itself be extremely gratifying. But the problem creeps in when you let that crowd out everything else, ultimately tarnishing your own well-being. The language you use to describe your current state \u2014 \u201cmy fear is that I know that I will give, give, give until I\u2019m nothing\u201d and \u201cresentment bubbles away anyhow because I\u2019m so overextended\u201d \u2014 tells me you\u2019re putting too much of your energy into caring for others and not enough into caring for yourself.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Feeling fear and resentment while offering \u201ccharity\u201d or \u201cservice\u201d or \u201chelp\u201d to others is not actually being in right relation with others \u2014 it\u2019s an all-too-common form of martyrdom that sets up a hierarchical dynamic between a long-suffering \u201cgiver\u201d and a passive \u201creceiver.\u201d The alternative is to stay horizontal, to think \u201cI\u2019m a jewel in the net, you\u2019re a jewel in the net, and I\u2019ll offer whatever I can offer without damaging my well-being \u2014 without ripping my part of the net.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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So, dear reader, play with finding that balance. You\u2019ll know you\u2019ve found it when you don\u2019t feel resentful \u2014 you just feel tightly connected to others, and gleaming.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Bonus: What I\u2019m reading<\/h2>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n
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This story was originally published in <\/em>The Highlight<\/em>, Vox\u2019s member-exclusive magazine. To get early access to member-exclusive stories every month, <\/em>join the Vox Membership program today<\/em>.<\/em><\/p>\n

Read more A big new test of Zohran Mamdani\u2019s influence<\/a><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

See More:<\/span><\/p>\n
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  • Advice<\/li>\n
  • Future Perfect<\/li>\n
  • Life<\/li>\n
  • Relationships<\/li>\n
  • The Highlight<\/li>\n
  • Your Mileage May Vary<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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