{"id":389,"date":"2026-06-14T12:08:52","date_gmt":"2026-06-14T12:08:52","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/americanlivingreport.com\/?p=389"},"modified":"2026-06-14T12:08:52","modified_gmt":"2026-06-14T12:08:52","slug":"first-comes-marriage-then-comes-a-flirtatious-colleague","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/americanlivingreport.com\/?p=389","title":{"rendered":"First comes marriage. Then comes a flirtatious colleague."},"content":{"rendered":"
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Editor\u2019s note, June 14, 8 am ET: <\/strong>We\u2019re bringing you some of our best-loved Your Mileage May Vary columns while Sigal Samuel is on parental leave. The one below originally published on June 8, 2025.<\/em><\/p>\n

Read more What we lose when we stop writing by hand<\/a><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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This unconventional advice column offers you a unique framework for thinking through moral dilemmas. It\u2019s based on value pluralism: the idea that each of us has multiple values that are equally valid but that often conflict with each other. Stay tuned for more original Your Mileage May Vary columns coming in June. In the meantime, submit your own question here.<\/em><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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My husband and I have a good relationship. We\u2019re both committed to personal growth and continual learning and have developed very strong communication skills. A couple of years ago we were exposed to some friends with an open marriage and had our own conversations about ethical non-monogamy. At first, neither of us were interested. <\/strong><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Now, my husband is interested and currently is attracted to a colleague who is also into him. She\u2019s married and has no idea that he and I talk about all of their interactions. He doesn\u2019t know what her relationship agreements are with her husband.<\/strong><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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I\u2019m not currently interested in ethical non-monogamy. I see things in our relationship that I\u2019d like to work on together with my husband. I want more of his attention and energy, to be frank. I don\u2019t want his attention and energy being funneled into another relationship. I don\u2019t have moral issues with ethical non-monogamy, I just don\u2019t actually see any value-add for me right now. The cost-benefit analysis leaves me saying \u201cnot now.\u201d <\/strong><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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My husband admitted that he\u2019s hoping I will have a change of mind. I don\u2019t want to force his hand, although I am continuing to say very clearly what I want in my relationship. How do we reach a compromise? If he cuts ties with this woman, he has resentment towards me. If he continues to pursue something with her, I feel disrespected, and while I don\u2019t want to leave him I would feel the need to do something.<\/strong><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Dear Monogamously Married,<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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I want to start by commending you for two things. First, for your openness to discussing and exploring all this with your husband. Second, for your insistence on clearly stating what you actually want \u2014 and don\u2019t want.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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I think Erich Fromm, the 20th-century German philosopher and psychologist, would back me up in saying that you\u2019d do well to hold tight to both those qualities. For starters, radical openness is important because, according to Fromm, the basic premise of love is freedom. He writes:<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Love is a passionate affirmation of its \u201cobject.\u201d That means that love is not an \u201caffect\u201d but an active striving, the aim of which is the happiness, development, and freedom of its \u201cobject.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<\/div>\n

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In other words, love is not a feeling. It\u2019s work, and the work of love is to fully support the flourishing of the person you love. That can be scary \u2014 what if the person discovers that they\u2019re actually happier with somebody else? \u2014 which is why Fromm specifies that only someone with a strong self \u201cwhich can stand alone and bear solitude\u201d will be up for the job. He continues:<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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This passionate affirmation is not possible if one\u2019s own self is crippled, since genuine affirmation is always rooted in strength. The person whose self is thwarted can only love in an ambivalent way; that is, with the strong part of his self he can love, with the crippled part he must hate.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<\/div>\n

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So far, it might sound like Fromm is saying that to be a good lover is to be a doormat: You just have to do whatever\u2019s best for the other person, even if it screws you over. But his view is very much the opposite.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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In fact, Fromm cautions us against both \u201cmasochistic love\u201d and \u201csadistic love.\u201d In the first, you give up your self and sacrifice your needs in order to become submerged in another person. In the second, you try to exert power over the other person. Both of these are rooted in \u201ca deep anxiety and an inability to stand alone,\u201d writes Fromm; whether by dissolving yourself into them or by controlling them, you\u2019re trying to make it impossible for the other person to abandon you. Both approaches are \u201cpseudo-love.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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So although Fromm doesn\u2019t want you to try to control your partner, and although he suggests that the philosophical ideal is for you to passionately affirm your partner\u2019s freedom, he\u2019s not advising you to do that if, for you, that will mean masochism.<\/p>\n

Read more Why Hasan Piker thinks Democrats are moving in his direction<\/a><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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If you\u2019re not up for ethical non-monogamy \u2014 if you feel, like many people, that the idea of giving your partner free rein is too big a threat to your relationship or your own well-being \u2014 then pretending otherwise is not real love. It\u2019s just masochistic self-annihilation.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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I\u2019m personally partial to Fromm\u2019s non-possessive approach to love. But I equally appreciate his point that the philosophical ideal could become a practical bloodbath if it doesn\u2019t work for the actual humans involved. I think the question, then, is this: Do you think it\u2019s possible for you to get to a place where you genuinely feel ready for and interested in ethical non-monogamy?<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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It sounds like you\u2019re intellectually open to the idea, and given that you said you\u2019re committed to personal growth and continual learning, non-monogamy could offer you some benefits; lots of people who practice it say that part of its appeal lies in the growth it catalyzes. And if practicing non-monogamy makes you and\/or your husband more fulfilled, it could enrich your relationship and deepen your appreciation for each other.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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But right now, you\u2019ve got a problem: Your husband is pushing on your boundaries by flirting with a woman even after you\u2019ve expressed that you don\u2019t want him pursuing something with her. And you already feel like he isn\u2019t giving you enough attention and energy, so the prospect of having to divvy up those resources with another woman feels threatening. Fair!<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Notice, though, that that isn\u2019t a worry about non-monogamy per se \u2014 it\u2019s a worry about the state of your current monogamous relationship.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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In a marriage, what partners typically want is to feel emotionally secure. But that comes from how consistently and lovingly we show up for and attune to one another, not from the relationship structure. A monogamous marriage may give us some feeling of security, but it\u2019s obviously no guarantee; some people cheat, some get divorced, and some stay loyally married while neglecting their partner emotionally.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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\u201cMonogamy can serve as a stand-in for actual secure attachment,\u201d writes therapist Jessica Fern in Polysecure<\/em>, a book on how to build healthy non-monogamous relationships. She urges readers to take an honest look at any relationship insecurities or dissatisfactions that are being disguised by monogamy, and work with partners to strengthen the emotional experience of the relationship.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Since you feel that your husband isn\u2019t giving you enough attention and energy, be sure to talk to him about it. Explain that it doesn\u2019t feel safe for you to open up the relationship without him doing more to be fully present with you and to make you feel understood and precious. See if he starts implementing these skills more reliably.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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In the meantime, while you two are trying to reset your relationship, it\u2019s absolutely reasonable to ask him to cool it with the colleague he\u2019s attracted to; he doesn\u2019t have to cut ties with her entirely (and may not be able to if they work together), but he can certainly avoid feeding the flames with flirtation. Right now, the fantasy of her is a distraction from the work he needs to be doing to improve the reality of your marriage. He should understand why a healthy practice of ethical non-monogamy can\u2019t emerge from a situation where he\u2019s pushing things too far with someone else before you\u2019ve agreed to change the terms of your relationship (and if he doesn\u2019t, have him read Polysecure<\/em>!).<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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It\u2019s probably a good idea for you to each do your own inner work, too. Fern, like Fromm, insists that if we want to be capable of a secure attachment with someone else, we need to cultivate that within ourselves. That means being aware of our feelings, desires, and needs, and knowing how to tend to them. Understanding your attachment style can help with this; for example, if you\u2019re anxiously attached and you very often reach out to your partner for reassurance, you can practice spending time alone.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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After taking some time to work on these interpersonal and intrapersonal skills, come back together to discuss how you\u2019re feeling. Do you feel more receptive to opening up the relationship? Do you think it would add more than it would subtract?<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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If the answer is \u201cyes\u201d or \u201cmaybe,\u201d you can create a temporary relationship structure \u2014 or \u201cvessel,\u201d as Fern calls it \u2014 to help you ease into non-monogamy. One option is to adopt a staggered approach to dating, where one partner (typically the more hesitant one) starts dating new people first, and the other partner starts after a predetermined amount of time. Another option is to try a months-long experiment where both partners initially engage in certain romantic or sexual experiences that are less triggering to each other, then assess what worked and what didn\u2019t, and go from there.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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If the answer is \u201cno\u201d \u2014 if you\u2019re not receptive to opening up your relationship \u2014 then by all means say that! Given you\u2019ll have sincerely done the work to explore whether non-monogamy works for you, your husband doesn\u2019t get to resent you. He can be sad, he can be disappointed, and he can choose to leave if the outcome is intolerable to him. But he\u2019ll have to respect you, and what\u2019s more important, you\u2019ll have to respect yourself.<\/p>\n

Read more The mystery of how China is keeping down the world\u2019s oil prices<\/a><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Bonus: What I\u2019m reading<\/h2>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n
See More:<\/span><\/p>\n
    \n
  • Advice<\/li>\n
  • Dating<\/li>\n
  • Future Perfect<\/li>\n
  • Life<\/li>\n
  • Relationships<\/li>\n
  • Your Mileage May Vary<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

    What to do when your partner wants to try ethical non-monogamy but you don\u2019t.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":388,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-389","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-interesting"],"yoast_head":"\nFirst comes marriage. Then comes a flirtatious colleague. - American Living Report<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/americanlivingreport.com\/?p=389\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"First comes marriage. 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